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  • Emily Louise Perkins

Although pronounced dead she visits me anyway

I see her weed the flowers and I see her wait in lines

on a morning quiet as death

on a paved walkway

I struggle

she walks behind me slowly

All of this really happened including music lyrics where indicated

8am

Was too cozy in bed to follow through on our plan to get up early and go to the grocery store

sat in husbands lap and kissed him to say good morning as is tradition

turned on my soft rock playlist on Spotify

Curled hair

Put on mascara

Transferred soft rock playlist to kitchen speaker

Did most dishes

Made coffee

No milk

Considered pumpkin pie for breakfast

Texted about work with work friends

That cheered me

It’ll all be okay

Wiped down kitchen table

10am

looked at instagram

“I’m learning to live without you now, but I miss you sometimes. The more I know, the less I understand.”

Doctored a PDF for work

Emailed PDF for work

Emailed with dad about whether or not the devil exists

Texted with Mom about how lovely it’ll be to see each other again

Emailed with dad about what makes a man evil

“waiting for the day that he can spread his wings and fly away again. Fly away skyline pigeon, fly, towards the things you left so very far behind.”

Black coffee is not so bad

Fixed pumpkin pie for husband

Deliver it

Oatmeal with strawberry sauce for me

Send zoom invitation to work team

Zoom with team

I feel better after zooming with the team

Work makes me feel like a human

Microwave uneaten oatmeal

(I wrote that before I did it. I will leave oatmeal for later. Will make bean burgers now for lunch.)

12:45pm

start Soft Rock Playlist over again

“I’m learning to live without you now. But I miss you baby. The more I know, the less I understand.”

Have the idea to make burger buns with Sourdough Bread Starter

“why do the best things always disappear? Like Ophelia. Please darken my door.”

Tell husband about the idea about the sourdough starter burgers

Feel overjoyed by how pleased he is at the idea

Eat a piece of pie myself

Watch Glennon Doyle talk about trusting the self your parents raised even if that self disagrees with them now

Feed Sourdough Starter

Decide to make the burgers into sliders because isn’t that fun

Send a picture of the sourdough burger buns to acquaintance with whom I recently bonded over our miniature skillets

Talk in the phone to work colleague/friend about cooking apples and personal boundaries and vegan butter

“We are the office block persecution affinity. God save little shops, china cups and virginity.”

Wow I am immensely proud of myself these burgers look incredible

Husband thinks burgers are incredible

like a fancy restaurant he says

“My face aint looking any younger. Now I can see love taking her toll on me. She’s gone. Oh I, Oh I, I better learn how to face it. “

Husband has to make the moral decision to work ‘under the table’ or not work because of the quarantine

We discuss

We decide to not work

No income scary

Saying no is scary

This is no ordinary decision

This is no ordinary time

2:35

Call Mom’s cell no answer

Sit down in favorite corner with chair by the window

Turn Soft Rock Playlist on again

“let the world around us just fall apart. Baby, we can make it if were heart to heart.”

4:30

talk to friend/co-worker about website photographs

update website

watch theatrical performance on instagram

where was I

what am I doing

“It breaks my heart to see you crying. I don’t want to lose you. I could never make it alone.”

Talk to mortgage broker about client and how wow, this is a strange time

Hang up

Listen to music and wonder what to do with myself

When will we go to the store

We are leaving our house for the first time in 14 days because husband was sick two weeks ago

“soon I will be free. Fantasy, it gets the best of me when I’m sailing.”

Notice how beautiful it is outside, with the sun sparkling on the water

Get up and leave chair in favorite corner by the window to ask husband if it’s time to go to the store

But first must listen to

“everybody needs a little time away (I heard her say) from each other.”

Husband is stressed with work and thinks we should go to the store later, after he finishes the work he has to do, and doesn’t want me to go alone because we are wanting to get so very many things

Look at pile of dirty dishes

Decide instead to brew more coffee and bring husband a cup with a slice of pumpkin pie

Fry up remaining sourdough starter

Sprinkle with salt

Top with peanut butter and jelly

Eat while talking to co-worker/friend about office politics

Compose work e-mail

Get sidetracked on work e-mail because one of the questions was about the website

Work on the website

“a woman sure can be a friend of mine.”

Think of best friend. I should call her.

Try to finish the task at hand.

“but it doesn’t mean you aint been on my mind.”

Send e-mail.

She responded right away.

Phone call to team about e-mail.

Send response e-mail.

Turn on Soft Rock Playlist

No

Call best friend

Leave message in very high pitched tone because were that intimate

6:05

Turn on Soft Rock Playlist

Work on e-blast for work

“every day I laughed the hours away. Just knowing you were thinking of me. And then it came, that I was put to blame for every story told about me. About me. About me. I NEED YOU.”

Download pictures of real estate listings

“All I’ve got to do is to love you. All I’ve got to be is ah be happy. All its got to take is someone to make it blow away.”

“The world is a bad place. A bad place. A terrible place to live. Oh, but I don’t want to die. Oh my sorrow, sad tomorrow, take me back to my own home.”

“on and on. He just keeps on trying. And he smiles when he feels like crying. On and on. On and on. On and on.”

Send out e-blast for approval

Husband wants to test something on zoom

We test something on zoom

I complain that he dismisses me when stressed

He says he doesn’t

I say can’t I just tell you that’s how I feel even if it’s not what happened

He is flabbergasted by that

I help him with the zoom project

I ask him if we can go to the store

7:12

he is doing one more thing before we go to the store

I am upset we didn’t go for a long walk

I am upset we have not already gone to the store

I am stressed I will get Covid 19 at the store

I do not want to be sick

I do not want anyone to be sick

The music is not playing

I have not done the dishes.

I turn on the music LOUD

“shes just a devil woman with evil on her mind. Beware the devil woman. Shes gonna get you.”

7:18

Kiss and make up

WE GO TO THE STORE

At the store

*this is all written in retrospect

we wait in line six feet apart

we did not know about the line

we had to be told

we go to the end

there are 8 people ahead of us

at the store I have one glove on

husband and I have two carts

it’s overwhelming

how many avocados to get

how many tomatoes

how much garlic

am I overdoing it with the meat

is she judging me because my cart is so full

husband’s cart is too full also

there is an old man with just his shirt over his mouth

should I give him the mask my mother made me?

Don’t be ridiculous

Does my husband approve of what I’m picking out

Do I approve of what he’s picking out

Did he pick out what I pick out

Check out as fast as possible

The checkout woman

On ‘the front lines’

Did we get too many groceries

Are we keeping other people in the store unneccesarily

Its eerie it’s all eerie

I follow husband pulling my cart

The sun has set over the bridge

It’s a Spring night

I love the spring

There is a bird carcass on the ground and for some reason it’s wings were flattened beautifully

I think of a fossil

Husband leads the way

He knows the best way

In the street

In the middle of the street

We come home and disinfect every item in the hallway

I try not to be controlling with my words

I succeed

I fail

I change clothes

I wash my hands

We put all the groceries away

I enjoy organizing the fridge

I become overwhelmed and have to put my head down

My husband does the dishes

Why am I overwhelmed

I am feeling too much I cannot explain and do not want to burden him with it

He says it’s okay to play my music once more

“I used to laugh. I used to cry. We used to bow our heads and wonder why.”

10:47

real time again

I decided to make burgers

Waiting for the potatoes to cook

Wish I hadn’t committed to this detailed real time account that is just for me nobody’s gonna read it and if they did I’d be humiliated

“about me. About me. I need you. Like the flower needs the rain. You know I need you. Yes I’ll start it all again you know I need you. I need you. I need you.”

I bet they’d think I’m lying about how often I listen to this music

I bet my future self will like to read this

This odd time

This terrible time for the world

It’s sighing

“the changing of sunlight to moonlight – reflections of my life. Oh, how they fill my eyes. The greetings of people in trouble – reflections of my life, oh how they fill my eyes. Oh my sorrows, sad tomorrows, take me back to my own home.”

Stir hash browns

Think about how good I am at making hashbrowns

“puts on Sinatra and starts to cry.”

I wish I had real burger buns

I am tired of this real time account

Are you?

“on and on on and on on and onnnnnn”

husband comes in

asks if I feel better

I do

He asks if he can read me a poem he wrote

It's devastating

Please let me see outside myself

Outside the room I’m fraught in

And give some care and caution, too,

to those by whom I’m losing


11:51

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  • Emily Louise Perkins

Out of Order

Haven’t been doing well since Easter’s been cancelled

He asked me to wait but my faith has been trampled

The God of the Bible said he’d stop it but hasn’t

My suffering God’s been unusually absent

A child in my temple, I waited three days

I waited three more then walked empty highways

I walked empty Times Square and past empty cafes

I saw used rubber gloves and unused ashtrays

I saw abnormal things in friend’s parents x-rays

and severity peaked in some 10-12 days

And then in the ER an addict threw urine

mother made to stand, no bed free to endure in

with foundations destroyed what can righteous do

and who among righteous with nothing to do

can be still and know in this enforced stillness

that He has a plan, where is Your brilliance in this

I won’t waste my sorrows on Him and false hope

My name written in heaven, a false horoscope

If He can’t control it it’s out of control

I lose mine

I can’t rhyme

My rhymes are out-shined

have no structure

I must re-structure my ideals my morals and ethics

The idea’s of my childhood now pathetic

Synthetic

Poetic okay

now I am a skeptic

and no, it wasn’t just the epidemic

it was You

it was YOU and YOUR APOLOGETICS

Haven’t been doing well since Easter’s been cancelled

It’s a house made of candy

like Hansel and Gretel's


It feels bad, doesn't it. This should rhyme but it doesn't.



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