All of this really happened including music lyrics where indicated
8am
Was too cozy in bed to follow through on our plan to get up early and go to the grocery store
sat in husbands lap and kissed him to say good morning as is tradition
turned on my soft rock playlist on Spotify
Curled hair
Put on mascara
Transferred soft rock playlist to kitchen speaker
Did most dishes
Made coffee
No milk
Considered pumpkin pie for breakfast
Texted about work with work friends
That cheered me
It’ll all be okay
Wiped down kitchen table
10am
looked at instagram
“I’m learning to live without you now, but I miss you sometimes. The more I know, the less I understand.”
Doctored a PDF for work
Emailed PDF for work
Emailed with dad about whether or not the devil exists
Texted with Mom about how lovely it’ll be to see each other again
Emailed with dad about what makes a man evil
“waiting for the day that he can spread his wings and fly away again. Fly away skyline pigeon, fly, towards the things you left so very far behind.”
Black coffee is not so bad
Fixed pumpkin pie for husband
Deliver it
Oatmeal with strawberry sauce for me
Send zoom invitation to work team
Zoom with team
I feel better after zooming with the team
Work makes me feel like a human
Microwave uneaten oatmeal
(I wrote that before I did it. I will leave oatmeal for later. Will make bean burgers now for lunch.)
12:45pm
start Soft Rock Playlist over again
“I’m learning to live without you now. But I miss you baby. The more I know, the less I understand.”
Have the idea to make burger buns with Sourdough Bread Starter
“why do the best things always disappear? Like Ophelia. Please darken my door.”
Tell husband about the idea about the sourdough starter burgers
Feel overjoyed by how pleased he is at the idea
Eat a piece of pie myself
Watch Glennon Doyle talk about trusting the self your parents raised even if that self disagrees with them now
Feed Sourdough Starter
Decide to make the burgers into sliders because isn’t that fun
Send a picture of the sourdough burger buns to acquaintance with whom I recently bonded over our miniature skillets
Talk in the phone to work colleague/friend about cooking apples and personal boundaries and vegan butter
“We are the office block persecution affinity. God save little shops, china cups and virginity.”
Wow I am immensely proud of myself these burgers look incredible
Husband thinks burgers are incredible
like a fancy restaurant he says
“My face aint looking any younger. Now I can see love taking her toll on me. She’s gone. Oh I, Oh I, I better learn how to face it. “
Husband has to make the moral decision to work ‘under the table’ or not work because of the quarantine
We discuss
We decide to not work
No income scary
Saying no is scary
This is no ordinary decision
This is no ordinary time
2:35
Call Mom’s cell no answer
Sit down in favorite corner with chair by the window
Turn Soft Rock Playlist on again
“let the world around us just fall apart. Baby, we can make it if were heart to heart.”
4:30
talk to friend/co-worker about website photographs
update website
watch theatrical performance on instagram
where was I
what am I doing
“It breaks my heart to see you crying. I don’t want to lose you. I could never make it alone.”
Talk to mortgage broker about client and how wow, this is a strange time
Hang up
Listen to music and wonder what to do with myself
When will we go to the store
We are leaving our house for the first time in 14 days because husband was sick two weeks ago
“soon I will be free. Fantasy, it gets the best of me when I’m sailing.”
Notice how beautiful it is outside, with the sun sparkling on the water
Get up and leave chair in favorite corner by the window to ask husband if it’s time to go to the store
But first must listen to
“everybody needs a little time away (I heard her say) from each other.”
Husband is stressed with work and thinks we should go to the store later, after he finishes the work he has to do, and doesn’t want me to go alone because we are wanting to get so very many things
Look at pile of dirty dishes
Decide instead to brew more coffee and bring husband a cup with a slice of pumpkin pie
Fry up remaining sourdough starter
Sprinkle with salt
Top with peanut butter and jelly
Eat while talking to co-worker/friend about office politics
Compose work e-mail
Get sidetracked on work e-mail because one of the questions was about the website
Work on the website
“a woman sure can be a friend of mine.”
Think of best friend. I should call her.
Try to finish the task at hand.
“but it doesn’t mean you aint been on my mind.”
Send e-mail.
She responded right away.
Phone call to team about e-mail.
Send response e-mail.
Turn on Soft Rock Playlist
No
Call best friend
Leave message in very high pitched tone because were that intimate
6:05
Turn on Soft Rock Playlist
Work on e-blast for work
“every day I laughed the hours away. Just knowing you were thinking of me. And then it came, that I was put to blame for every story told about me. About me. About me. I NEED YOU.”
Download pictures of real estate listings
“All I’ve got to do is to love you. All I’ve got to be is ah be happy. All its got to take is someone to make it blow away.”
“The world is a bad place. A bad place. A terrible place to live. Oh, but I don’t want to die. Oh my sorrow, sad tomorrow, take me back to my own home.”
“on and on. He just keeps on trying. And he smiles when he feels like crying. On and on. On and on. On and on.”
Send out e-blast for approval
Husband wants to test something on zoom
We test something on zoom
I complain that he dismisses me when stressed
He says he doesn’t
I say can’t I just tell you that’s how I feel even if it’s not what happened
He is flabbergasted by that
I help him with the zoom project
I ask him if we can go to the store
7:12
he is doing one more thing before we go to the store
I am upset we didn’t go for a long walk
I am upset we have not already gone to the store
I am stressed I will get Covid 19 at the store
I do not want to be sick
I do not want anyone to be sick
The music is not playing
I have not done the dishes.
I turn on the music LOUD
“shes just a devil woman with evil on her mind. Beware the devil woman. Shes gonna get you.”
7:18
Kiss and make up
WE GO TO THE STORE
At the store
*this is all written in retrospect
we wait in line six feet apart
we did not know about the line
we had to be told
we go to the end
there are 8 people ahead of us
at the store I have one glove on
husband and I have two carts
it’s overwhelming
how many avocados to get
how many tomatoes
how much garlic
am I overdoing it with the meat
is she judging me because my cart is so full
husband’s cart is too full also
there is an old man with just his shirt over his mouth
should I give him the mask my mother made me?
Don’t be ridiculous
Does my husband approve of what I’m picking out
Do I approve of what he’s picking out
Did he pick out what I pick out
Check out as fast as possible
The checkout woman
On ‘the front lines’
Did we get too many groceries
Are we keeping other people in the store unneccesarily
Its eerie it’s all eerie
I follow husband pulling my cart
The sun has set over the bridge
It’s a Spring night
I love the spring
There is a bird carcass on the ground and for some reason it’s wings were flattened beautifully
I think of a fossil
Husband leads the way
He knows the best way
In the street
In the middle of the street
We come home and disinfect every item in the hallway
I try not to be controlling with my words
I succeed
I fail
I change clothes
I wash my hands
We put all the groceries away
I enjoy organizing the fridge
I become overwhelmed and have to put my head down
My husband does the dishes
Why am I overwhelmed
I am feeling too much I cannot explain and do not want to burden him with it
He says it’s okay to play my music once more
“I used to laugh. I used to cry. We used to bow our heads and wonder why.”
10:47
real time again
I decided to make burgers
Waiting for the potatoes to cook
Wish I hadn’t committed to this detailed real time account that is just for me nobody’s gonna read it and if they did I’d be humiliated
“about me. About me. I need you. Like the flower needs the rain. You know I need you. Yes I’ll start it all again you know I need you. I need you. I need you.”
I bet they’d think I’m lying about how often I listen to this music
I bet my future self will like to read this
This odd time
This terrible time for the world
It’s sighing
“the changing of sunlight to moonlight – reflections of my life. Oh, how they fill my eyes. The greetings of people in trouble – reflections of my life, oh how they fill my eyes. Oh my sorrows, sad tomorrows, take me back to my own home.”
Stir hash browns
Think about how good I am at making hashbrowns
“puts on Sinatra and starts to cry.”
I wish I had real burger buns
I am tired of this real time account
Are you?
“on and on on and on on and onnnnnn”
husband comes in
asks if I feel better
I do
He asks if he can read me a poem he wrote
It's devastating
Please let me see outside myself
Outside the room I’m fraught in
And give some care and caution, too,
to those by whom I’m losing
11:51
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